Nine

The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you.

Who use to want you, and need you by there side. 

Who use to confide in you and hold you. 

Who use to value you and your opinion. 

Who use to need you to make them warm. 

Its sad when they stop caring if you miserable.

Its sad when they stop listening to what you have to say.

Its sad when your desperately holding on to them and they rip them self free.

Its sad how one minute your number one and the next your not.

The someone begins only think of them self.

The someone ignores and uses you.

The someone rips your heart out.

The someone drift's away.

That's the saddest thing in the world;

loving someone who used to love you.

Eight

Its written on the wall. I can see the signs now. Its really clear whats going to happen. It always does. You always do this and because I am stupid and naive I fall for it every time. I get my hopes up until I see it clearly written on the wall. They become "clingy" and "annoying". Then within weeks you send them packing. Again and again. Week after week. I should know by now but I still hope and I still crash and burn because you clearly write it on the wall.

Seven

I want to go up to them and say Stop,

don't do it--she's the wrong woman,

he's the wrong man, you are going to do things

you cannot imagine you would ever do,

you are going to do bad things to children,

you are going to suffer in ways you never heard of,

you are going to want to die.

Sharron Olds- I Go Back to May 1937

I say

Do what you are going to do, and I will tell about it

Sharron Olds- I Go Back to May 1937

I wish I could go back; I really do. I care about you enough to honestly say that I would stop you. If I knew I would stop you. Of  course I want to live so I cannot go back. I cannot stop you. Its human nature right? Instinct to survive, even though life can be a living hell. If I went back I would not be here, but would that be a bad thing? You have destroyed my life. If I could stop that wouldn't I? What is worse: some one else destroying you, or you destorying yourself? How can you justify either? Thinking about it, if I did go back would you listen. Would believe me and take notice to my words? Would care? Would you care enough about the consquences of your rash and stupid actions? You were in love. Thats why you got divorce huh? Well I wish i could go back but I want to live. I say do what your going to do, and I will tell about it.

Six

Better a silly girl with a flower, than a silly boy with a horse and a stick...Jocelyn, A Knights Tale.

I am the silly girl with the flower but I'm missing my silly boy with a horse and a stick. I thought you might be him but I still don't know. We like the same things. We love the same things; but I made up my mind not to date. . Will you be the silly boy to break my promise not my heart? It would be a first, but will it be the last? 

Will you be different from the others? Can anyone be different? Most likely not. I didn't cast my lot in life yet, but I think some else must have. Someone else made me a silly girl with a flower and decide to give me no silly boy with a horse and a stick. Is that blessing or a curse? Do I not want a smart boy with a pen and a book? Why am I looking for my silly boy with a horse and stick. I know what I want but not what I am looking for. I want a boy without a mask. Without some other reason. I want someone who will just hold me; ignoring his horse and his stick, his book and his pen. Too hold me and my silly flower. To protect its delicate petals from anyone who intends to hurt it. That's what I want. 

but I am just a silly girl with a flower. 

Five

I'm not that girl. The one who falls for a guy after one conversation. I'm not that girl. The one who will do anything for their guy. I'm not that girl. The one flirts with every guy she see's. I'm not that girl! Okay! I have had one serious conversation with you. I'm not that girl. I don't feel what I am feeling. I'm not that girl. I could be, I have watch a mother and sister be that girl. I know how to be that girl. I am starting to become that girl. But I'm not that girl. A CD doesn't mean anything. It can mean everything, but it doesn't cause I'm not that girl. Don't let me become that girl. Save me. Because I don't want to be that girl. I'm slipping cause of you. So don't make that girl. Because I'm not that girl. I'm not that girl. I'm not that girl. I'm not that girl. I have tried. I have watch other girls. I know, and I don't want to be that girl. I'm not that girl. Don't try to convince me that it is better. Its not, its stupid. I'm not that girl. I'm a girl, yes, but not that girl!

I'm not that girl.

Four

A sigh of relief and a good night's sleep. Thank-You for not giving up, not lying down; not tiring out, or burrowing in. Your safe; that's all I care about. Don't feel bad, don't give up your passion. Look at what happen as us showing how much we care about you; how badly it would effect us if something did happen. Not as us assuming you could not do it. You are my life, you may not know it but you are. That's all today was for me. Me showing you that I need you and I'm here. So a sigh of relief, maybe an understatement but I'm still glad I can say it. 

Good night.

Three

Do you know those news reports about the missing hikers. Well i never really paid attention. Never really gave a damn. My sister is missing. You were suppose to be back yesterday! Did you think? The rcmp say this happen all the time and its normal. But what about this is normal! Who else does this happen to! This sure doesnt feel normal. The fact that when my phone rings a jumping hoping it was you. You better come back. You better not be one of those missing hiker reports that no one really pays attention to.

Two

I wrote you a letter. I started out nice, and told you I cared. I ended it with the truth. I was pissed and you didn't care. I was tossed aside and told to get over it! I can lie, im really good at that. I was taught by the best and have had lots of practice. Paint a smile on my face and pretend; but someone should know I am not over it. I dont know how to forgive you. I dont need to forgive you. I wrote you a letter and it started out nice.

One

Today I relized I am; and there was nothing I could do about it. I am sick. I am sick because of the people who are next to me. I have been to the doctor and they dont know what is wrong with me. I can see a guidance counsellor but lets faces it they dont know whats wrong with me either. I can write letters but what good would those do if they are not read. I could set boundaries but when they get crossed what purpose do they serve. I can love and forgive and forget but how will that acutally help me. I could relax but how is that possible in this century. I can express how i truely feel and what I NEED but when no one cares what will it prove. It proved something to me. It proves that I am and there nothing I can do about it. I do not have control of my life. My body is physically, emoionally and mentally revolting against me; and what can i do? Nothing; because i am; and there's nothing I can do about it.