Nineteen

Just because you have an evil step mother doesn’t make you a princess. Trust me I know. There is nothing princess like about divorced parents. The king, my father, is married to a woman who hates me. The queen, my mother, is an immature, self center desperate cougar. At times I wish they would lock me away in a tower, it would be so much more peaceful. I don’t know why princesses don’t take the poison apple or prick there finger. I would; it would be so simple so quick, and almost poetic. But I am not a princess and poisoned apples are about as realistic as wild animals helping me get ready for the ball. My school is having a winter wonderland dance and I realized that’s the closes thing I will ever have to a ball. A group of adolescent high school students in a stinky old gym all dancing to some crap noises that we call music. Even if I wanted to be a princess it would be impossible. So what I am about to tell you is the story of a girl, not a princess.

Eightteen

The light glow of the lamp by my bed gave me no comfort that night. Strange shadows danced on the walls as if they were reflecting the chaos inside me. The fragile dance of insanity projected for no one to see. Unlikely they would notice, even if they were starring right at it. Insanity and chaos are not two words people use to describe me. Most would describe me as kind, sweet and when they got to know me they would add passionate and innocent. My life seems normal and routine to most: I get up, go to school, eat dinner with my family, do my homework and go to bed. And my life was like that once upon a time but then everything changed. I can’t tell you the time over even the day I stop being that sweet, kind, passionate and innocent girl. I can tell you that slowly my life has turned into a chaotic insane lie.

Seventeen

There it is; my heart
out on display for everyone to see.
Thats what preforming is.
Whether its acting, dancing, singing, or preaching.
Its still your heart; out on display.

sixteen

I don't look at girls and think they are hot

I don't like their chest's or butts. 

It isn't my thing. At all.

But when I think about being gay

It seems right. It feels right.

My church says it's wrong.

My parents wouldn't like it. 

My friends would be freaked out. 

For myself it would be weird.

I don't like women,

But I like being gay.

I am not trying to be insulting. 

I am dead serious.

It feels right. 

Can you be gay,

Without being gay?

Fifteen

Just because you come now,

Doesn't make up for when you didn't come.

Don't tell me to get over it

Because you are here now.

Don't ever tell me to get over something like that.

You lost the right.

It was important and you weren't there.

Why weren't you?

Because of a boy!

A boy that was out of your life under 6 months.

1,2,3,4,5,6.

GONE

But I am still here.

And now you are telling me to get over it.

No, you can come now,

but it will never make up the time you

Didn't come.

Fourteen

You know anyone else would do it,

Your other daughter,

Your Ex Husband,

They would try.

But your the only one who can

And your the only one who wont.

Why because your at the casino,

I get it but this is for school.

I need this!

Like frick! Do you even care?

I know its out of the way.

But aren't you suppose to go out of the way.

At least that's what I have heard.

On those hallmark cards.

I guess that's why,

Why its on those cards.

To make up for the lack of it in reality.

So now Ill either go without

or call your other daughter,

or your ex husband!

Anyone else would do it. 

Thirteen

I'll never be like you.

I'll never do the things you have done to me.

I won't hurt people that way.

Your just a stupid boy.

That I am completely in love with,

And yet I have to wait another day.

I can smile when I am at your house;

Be happy and cheerful at the dinner table,

But really I am not okay

My life really sucks right now.

I am going completely crazy and no one knows .

The walls are all turning grey.

I'm ready for change that I control;

And I am inviting you along.

What do you say?

Twelve

Family: somewhere to go for protection or growth. 

Family: source of life's biggest problem. 

Family: a lie believed by the whole entire world.

Eleven

It seems like you hate me, which you have every right. 

So its weird when you text me late at night.

What does this mean, I ask myself.

Do you care, or am I still another book on your shelf?

Is this a trick, some sick joke you thought would be funny?

Am I reading this right, because it seems to sunny.

Your wishy washy feelings really screw with my mind.

Do you still love me? Can we rewind?

Ten

Forgetting; that's easy, it's the forgiving I don't get.

I can distract myself; I can go a whole day without thinking about it. 

A whole week, a whole month and it'll never cross my mind.

But the odd chance that it does, it brings up a vengeance like no other.

Rage fills me from top to bottom and nothing but hate flows through my veins.

There's no chance of forgiveness, no way to easy the guilt. 

Anything you do; won't matter won't change a single thing.

 Like I said: Forgetting; that's easy, it's the forgiving I don't get.

Nine

The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you.

Who use to want you, and need you by there side. 

Who use to confide in you and hold you. 

Who use to value you and your opinion. 

Who use to need you to make them warm. 

Its sad when they stop caring if you miserable.

Its sad when they stop listening to what you have to say.

Its sad when your desperately holding on to them and they rip them self free.

Its sad how one minute your number one and the next your not.

The someone begins only think of them self.

The someone ignores and uses you.

The someone rips your heart out.

The someone drift's away.

That's the saddest thing in the world;

loving someone who used to love you.

Eight

Its written on the wall. I can see the signs now. Its really clear whats going to happen. It always does. You always do this and because I am stupid and naive I fall for it every time. I get my hopes up until I see it clearly written on the wall. They become "clingy" and "annoying". Then within weeks you send them packing. Again and again. Week after week. I should know by now but I still hope and I still crash and burn because you clearly write it on the wall.

Seven

I want to go up to them and say Stop,

don't do it--she's the wrong woman,

he's the wrong man, you are going to do things

you cannot imagine you would ever do,

you are going to do bad things to children,

you are going to suffer in ways you never heard of,

you are going to want to die.

Sharron Olds- I Go Back to May 1937

I say

Do what you are going to do, and I will tell about it

Sharron Olds- I Go Back to May 1937

I wish I could go back; I really do. I care about you enough to honestly say that I would stop you. If I knew I would stop you. Of  course I want to live so I cannot go back. I cannot stop you. Its human nature right? Instinct to survive, even though life can be a living hell. If I went back I would not be here, but would that be a bad thing? You have destroyed my life. If I could stop that wouldn't I? What is worse: some one else destroying you, or you destorying yourself? How can you justify either? Thinking about it, if I did go back would you listen. Would believe me and take notice to my words? Would care? Would you care enough about the consquences of your rash and stupid actions? You were in love. Thats why you got divorce huh? Well I wish i could go back but I want to live. I say do what your going to do, and I will tell about it.

Six

Better a silly girl with a flower, than a silly boy with a horse and a stick...Jocelyn, A Knights Tale.

I am the silly girl with the flower but I'm missing my silly boy with a horse and a stick. I thought you might be him but I still don't know. We like the same things. We love the same things; but I made up my mind not to date. . Will you be the silly boy to break my promise not my heart? It would be a first, but will it be the last? 

Will you be different from the others? Can anyone be different? Most likely not. I didn't cast my lot in life yet, but I think some else must have. Someone else made me a silly girl with a flower and decide to give me no silly boy with a horse and a stick. Is that blessing or a curse? Do I not want a smart boy with a pen and a book? Why am I looking for my silly boy with a horse and stick. I know what I want but not what I am looking for. I want a boy without a mask. Without some other reason. I want someone who will just hold me; ignoring his horse and his stick, his book and his pen. Too hold me and my silly flower. To protect its delicate petals from anyone who intends to hurt it. That's what I want. 

but I am just a silly girl with a flower. 

Five

I'm not that girl. The one who falls for a guy after one conversation. I'm not that girl. The one who will do anything for their guy. I'm not that girl. The one flirts with every guy she see's. I'm not that girl! Okay! I have had one serious conversation with you. I'm not that girl. I don't feel what I am feeling. I'm not that girl. I could be, I have watch a mother and sister be that girl. I know how to be that girl. I am starting to become that girl. But I'm not that girl. A CD doesn't mean anything. It can mean everything, but it doesn't cause I'm not that girl. Don't let me become that girl. Save me. Because I don't want to be that girl. I'm slipping cause of you. So don't make that girl. Because I'm not that girl. I'm not that girl. I'm not that girl. I'm not that girl. I have tried. I have watch other girls. I know, and I don't want to be that girl. I'm not that girl. Don't try to convince me that it is better. Its not, its stupid. I'm not that girl. I'm a girl, yes, but not that girl!

I'm not that girl.